My whole life doesn't have to revolve around my kids, and that doesn't make make me a bad mom

My GP, well she's not really my GP as I never used to go to see a doctor on a regular basis, or even if I was sick for that matter, until I became pregnant and needed to go every 3 weeks, but back to my point. My GP, she thinks I should be on antidepressants. Hubby made an appointment for me and I went and spilled my guts to a woman in a possible DVF dress and what could have been Giuseppe Zanotti shoes - I should know since I used to be in the fashion/shoe business, but sadly no, I don't know anymore which may just be the problem. I'll come back to this point later. She looked fantastic, hair done and nails manicured, in contrast, I was in flip flops, track pants, my hair in a pony-tail, and goober on my T-shirt. I didn't feel good enough to be there. Since when do you need to get "dressed" to see the doctor? Anyway...She sat there and asked questions, I sat there with my hands on my knees and told the truth. Yes, I feel tired some days. Yes, I have trouble sleeping and often am up into the wee hours of the night blogging or editing photos and reading. Yes, I am anxious about simple tasks and overwhelmed and underwhelmed with life, and that yes, on some days I like to entertain the idea of life without me in it. Obviously this day wasn't one of the bad days otherwise I wouldn't have even made it to the appointment in the first place. If you see me, then I am ok. Its a good day. I tried to explain that, that on most days I function, I'm happy, I can hack being a mom but on those dark days I feel overwhelmed that life has been a little more than tough and that even though the good days out number the bad ones, I was here because the bad days scare me and I feel like they are creeping up more often and THAT is the problem. Could it be Depo-provera? Is that why I am snippy and mean? or if we're being completely honest, a complete bitch? I mentioned too that I didn't have helper, her response, "why wouldn't you have a helper?!" and truthfully I said "because I am a control freak". She laughed. I did $6000hkd worth of blood tests and found it humourous that even before I get my results on Thursday, that I could take home a low dose of pills to "make me feel better".

I thought about you moms and I declined the pills.

So many of you wrote and spoke to me and I cannot tell you how sincerely grateful I am. Instead of "hope you feel better" and "things will get better", instead you shared parts of your life with me, dark and ugly parts, that you feel the same, that life everyday is a struggle at times, that being a mother is overwhelming and frustrating, that you too feel vulnerable and insecure, that pressure to be competent beyond what is possible for the moment is tiring and that things are not so cheery with your hubbys either. You miss your old selves, work, and friends, and I cried tears of relief and sadness, how is it that so many moms out there are feeling this way?

I am struggling to figure out what is reality here, is having a few bad days a week and some marital strife part and parcel of being a parent? Life with kids is hard. plain and simple. This is just how it is. Or should life be a constant state of satisfaction with moments of hardship, frustration, and sadness few and far between? I really don't know. Between my upbringing in a dysfunctional household and Hubby's always happy and functioning family, we are somewhere in the vast between. I know that my expectation of what life, marriage and kids was supposed to be is very very different from what it is - in both good and not so good ways. Maybe I'm depressed because I keep thinking it's supposed to be this one way and I'm let down. A friend of mine said "You need to change the way you think, to change the way you feel." She also told me that she doesn't feel she has what it takes to change who she is. It's just too hard.

Another mom said that we (as in the depressed moms) feel this way because we used to be women with "important" careers. We were make-it-happen-people and the reality of being a mom is that some days, you just can't make anything happen...but no one tells you that, that doesn't make you a failure!! Its frustrating and a tough pill to swallow if you're used to getting things accomplished, checking off the task list, making things work and look good kind of a person. I definitely miss the power. I miss the feelings of satisfaction and self-fulfillment, the "you did it!" of the working world. I mean with kids, taking credit for who they are is not only viewed as selfish and uncouth, good moms just don't do that sort of thing. But I mean I was the one to teach him to say "I'm 2 years old" so would it be that terrible for me to expect praise and a pat on the back whenever he says it? Or for each time he puts his toys back into the cubby without prompting, or can count to 13, or for successfully making it through another day for that matter?...ahem I've digressed. But my point is, being faced with constant judgment and little praise would make even the most normal of people (with or without kids) a little gloomy.

Here in Hong Kong, having a helper is the norm. If you don't have one, you're crazy, completely nuts and people "don't know how you do it!" but there is little support or understanding for moms without help. When you're having a bad day and someone says, 'why don't you hire help?" it discounts your feelings. It's as if getting helper would be a fix all and it's not. Yes, it may make some difficult moments easier, I think on a daily basis I am faced with the reality that having another set of hands would make life easier, but those extra set of hands come with their own set of challenges and complications. I feel like there is more support for moms with helper problems than there is for moms with no help...please correct me if I'm wrong about this. Regardless of whether you have help, bad days are bad days. The crying, the whining, the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" and "MM needs" this and that, the tantrums, the time outs, the mess...it just all sucks and we should be able to say it without feeling like we're not good enough.

So I've decided to just be honest and live with my feelings. I am writing about my depression because I have felt so completely alone and no one should feel like that. There are moments when I am frustrated and short tempered and I yell at my MM. I sometimes swear in his presence (not at him, but I swear), I will let him watch TV, sometimes for hours. I have some really bad days when I am tired of being a mom and want to do something else, where I decline to sing and play and am just me and listen to the music that I want to listen to and insist on finishing whatever I am doing before attending to my MMs' whines. I hate that it takes me 2 hours to get out of the house and the snails pace at which I need to navigate with MMs and yes, I miss the old me. I used to be this person who wore really great shoes, made business deals, and spent time with friends. I've given all that up because I want to spend time with my kids but I've been getting it all wrong. Spending time with your kids doesn't mean losing yourself, rule number 1 in all relationships. I just love them so much. It's so hard not to get caught up in the feelings of guilt, love, obsession, frustration. When asked what I do, I used to say "I design and manufacture shoes" now I struggle with who I am and what I do, and who I am when I'm not doing what I do. Maybe depro-provera is making me hormonally wacky but I think I just need to find a way to be still be me while also being mommy and wife. I understand that I may never wear a pair of Louboutins everyday by choice again in my life, but my whole life doesn't have to revolve around my kids, and that doesn't make me a bad mom.

"...my whole life doesn't have to revolve around my kids, and that doesn't make me a bad mom. " Repeat, repeat, and repeat.

Thank you so much for sharing your lives with me. You have no idea how much of a difference you've made. Hubby is out of town for the week and we are heading off to Toronto next week so I am behind on replying to my emails. Sorry if it takes me a while to get back to you. xx