Life is a struggle

i try hard. really hard.

for as far as i can remember, i've always been a try-hard...even if that's not what i want. its like a compulsion. my total self worth is completely dependent on how hard i try. I have some great days. i feel invincible. I can do anything. And then there are those days speckled in between where i struggle to get out of bed in the morning. the day is excruciatingly long and unbearable. making simple decisions like what to cook for dinner or getting dressed can cause me severe anxiety. I sweat. I forget to eat. I don't sleep. Those are the days when I recluse, turn on the TV, and pray for Hubby to get home and take over. i am depressed. I can spend hours imagining what it would be like if i got hit by a truck and what life would be like for my kids if I wasn't around. If hubby so much as answers a question in a way i deem unacceptable i will start planning out my life without him, our divorce, where the kids and I will live. I don't really know when this depression started. Maybe its been here all along. I struggled during pregnancy and with terrible morning sickness. I hated being pregnant and was introverted and unhappy. then I had MM at 33 weeks who ate every 2 hours for months while I exclusively pumped all the while hating every moment of it. I struggled with being a new mom, with lack of sleep, and with thoughts of drowning my son. We then got pregnant again and I struggled with yet another 4 months of morning sickness and with pregnancy with a toddler. MMM was born at 30 weeks and that was a struggle that i thought I would never recover from. When we finally brought him home, he just cried and cried and I wanted to drop him on the floor. Then there was the guilt of how hard we worked to get him home and how ungrateful i was to feel this way. i shirked my responsibilities of taking care of him and hubby took over all the night feeds and basically everything that had to do with MMM until he was 5mths old and sleeping a good 8hrs every night. We've made it through the rough parts and MMM is now 10mths old and doing so well, we travel a lot as a family and things are great but i am still struggling and i don't know why. The only thing that keeps me together are my boys who love me so unconditionally it hurts. I need to get over this hump. I need to figure out what is wrong with me. I started taking depo-provera 6 months ago for my endometriosis. the more i read up on it, the more i am understanding why some people have called it depo-provera-hell. Mixed with postpartum depression or baby blues, it can lead down an ugly path of dark days and i am sad to say i have been there. I am there. maybe not today but on those days you won't see me running about confidently with my kids. I feel weak. like i should be doing better. i really should try harder to not be depressed. I just want to feel like myself again.