You turned 2 this week and keeping busy with birthday arrangements was all I could do to cope. Who knew it was going to hit me this hard! I spent the night before your birthday baking cupcakes. Dada doing the actual baking while I sobbed through the icing and decorating. The more I thought about it, the more I iced on the creamy orange homemade frosting and sprinkled the sparkly little bits of pastel sugar sprinkles. What started out as 'just a little' turned out to be full kick cupcakes, my baby was going to be 2 and since this would be your first ever cupcake that hadn't had the icing taken off (by your-always-have-your-best-interests-in-mind-mother), I decided to go all out. Damn it! My baby is turning 2 and if he wants cupcakes, then he's going to get them!
I had a moment, the realization that as the days pass, and little ones grow, that all those little moments that are collected along the way are all you really have to hold onto and cherish. How awful yet incredibly awesome is that? That life as you will remember it, is just a culmination of memorable or traumatic occurrences and the rest all fades away like it never happened...and so I've decided to write a birthday letter to my boys every year. So I won't forget the little things. Maybe I'll give it to them when they become parents or after I die so we can bond in a way that wouldn't otherwise be possible. Who knows what 50 year old me will be like...and just in case I'm awful, I hope these letters will be a glimpse into who I am now and why I become the person I will be.
Last year I wrote MM a little note, a note of things he had learned to do that year. I told him about his first laugh that happened in his sleep and the second when I burped while burping him. That his laugh was the most wonderful thing I had ever heard. I know all babies learn to clap, twinkle, and wave, but I just had no idea before I had my monsters just how awesome and proud it would make me feel. I can get choked up just thinking about it. His first word was 'Dada' and his second one was 'Ana' - that's what he called me for the first year of his life. I wrote how my first words to him was "[he] looks like a little monkey!" and that his dada told me "he's perfect", that meeting him was the most incredible moment in my life, that "I never knew what my heart looked like until I saw you."
It's been a whole year since I wrote that letter and how much has changed and how fast it has all gone by.
This year MM, you've learned to walk, run and say a million things. From the moment you wake up, until I put you to bed, you just can't get enough of life, 'dis called?!' you say and point to everything that surrounds you. "oh dis! oh dis!", "woah! wow!" never ceasing to amaze with all that is going on inside that head of yours. We always tell you that you're doing a good job but what we really mean is that we think you're brilliant. But we don't tell you that because we don't want what we say to taint your heart.
You've learned to throw a ball and more than a few tantrums, time-out, sing, clap, and dance to the beat. Put on a song with a good beat and you'll bop around with your arms in the air but offer up one that doesn't match your groove and you'll scrunch up your face and tell me with confidence that you "don nik it" and expect us to change it right away. You love the water, "UMbellas", and "mamamals" - particularly "EMNAfants", "BOORS", "KANGAroos", "zeBRAS", "tigers" and "BIraffes", but definitely "NO bows", "dinadoors", or "boofy dog". You are obsessed with your books, "bulldoziers" & "dump rucks", and will say "broom broom motorCYcle" & "BIG bus, tiny bus!" ...or car, or truck, whenever you see one coming. You love to eat "CHEEse" "BAsta", "NOOdows", "nasagna", and "boup".
You became a big brother this year and how I worried and fretted about how it would change your life but instead, you welcomed him into your life with so much love and affection. You kiss and hug him with an intensity that only a big brother could have for his little brother. I am so proud to be your mama.
There are so many little things I am missing in this letter...I could go on and on. It's not all the crazy, awful and wonderful things that you do but who you are in this very moment, that I want to hold onto forever. I love the way you call me "mama" and "mummieee", how you always "tank you dada" before you go to bed, and call out "mama nun no peas" when you wake up. Your love fills up the whole I've had in my heart for most of my life and I am so very grateful for you. The way you live your life with such innocence and passion gives me an appreciation for life that I never had before. I am really looking forward to the year to come, the new things you'll say and do, but mostly because I can't wait to meet the three year old you!
Happy Birthday baby boy. Mama loves you.
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