Where have we been?

So since my last post about being depressed and not loving my life as a child focused mommy we've made huge changes to our lives as a family and so far, things are looking good.

Here's what we've been up to:

1) We spent 3 weeks in Toronto visiting the grandparents and me getting a much needed break to just sit around the house and do nothing except stare at the trees while the grandparents got to be real grandparents without me hovering, instructing, and making all the rules.

2) We moved as soon as we came back to HK. We used to live in a tiny Chinese walk-up apartment in the middle of the city that I struggled daily to carry 2 kids, stroller, and bag up and down those stairs. We decided it was time to make the move and now we're still in a small place BUT, we're just 2 minutes from the beach and have a roof top terrace that is the same size as our place.

3) I took a break from writing this blog. Part of the reason was to eliminate my to-do list and any obligations that I could so I could make some real time for myself. The other reason was so Hubby and I could spend more time together. I realized that after a long day of kids, what I thought was relaxing by sitting in front of the computer, actually made me feel tired and grouchy. Instead, after the kids are in bed now, I will walk the dogs, do my nails and feet, read, do a face mask, TALK to hubby, anything that would normally get put off because I am in front of the computer. It has made a world of difference.

4) Computer time is now limited to the 2hrs during the day while the kids are napping.

5) We started homeschooling. Yep, MM is now 2yrs and 5mths and we will not be putting him into pre-nursersy, nursery, pre-school, etc. Instead, we are following a combination of the Sonlight Curriculum and other free online activities, which really is just reading, drawing, and playing for the next year, and we will be traveling together as a family. Whereas before, I would spend most of my day trying to stop MM from doing something I didn't want him doing - like making a mess. We now have a family routine that goes something like this:

8am Wake up and have breakfast
830am MM and dad walk the dogs
10am MMM naps while MM and I have "school time"
12pm Lunch
1pm MM has his nap
130pm MMM Lunch
3pm Afternoon outing or activity
5pm Dinner
630pm Bed

The time and attention MM gets from me and his dad every morning means he's not roaming around home looking for something to do or whining "mommy mommy" all day because he wants attention. He knows what is going to happen next and what he's supposed to be doing. I feel like a more functional parent and MM is actually really enjoying his home "school".

6) We've just returned from a family-friends trip to Singapore. Together with 4 families, we ate all our meals, explored the city of Singapore, shared our tantruming toddler moments and snippy spousal moments, laughed and played together for 4 days. It was so much fun. (It wasn't our first family-friends trip, we first went to Kota Kinabalu together a while back but I didn't get a chance to write about it back then.) It is so nice to be able to see and share how you parent and deal with life with kids together as a group that I seriously would consider living on a compound. Meeting up for breakfast every morning was definitely my favourite part of the day, that and being able to role my eyes at another parent when my MMs were acting up. Haha it is always nice to have what you say reinforced by someone else. "Listen to your mother MM."

So that about covers the past 2 months. Am I back to blogging? I'm not really sure. Part of me really wants to share and document our homeschooling and travel journey but at this moment I am not committing to anything except spending more quality time with my kids and husband.

My whole life doesn't have to revolve around my kids, and that doesn't make make me a bad mom

My GP, well she's not really my GP as I never used to go to see a doctor on a regular basis, or even if I was sick for that matter, until I became pregnant and needed to go every 3 weeks, but back to my point. My GP, she thinks I should be on antidepressants. Hubby made an appointment for me and I went and spilled my guts to a woman in a possible DVF dress and what could have been Giuseppe Zanotti shoes - I should know since I used to be in the fashion/shoe business, but sadly no, I don't know anymore which may just be the problem. I'll come back to this point later. She looked fantastic, hair done and nails manicured, in contrast, I was in flip flops, track pants, my hair in a pony-tail, and goober on my T-shirt. I didn't feel good enough to be there. Since when do you need to get "dressed" to see the doctor? Anyway...She sat there and asked questions, I sat there with my hands on my knees and told the truth. Yes, I feel tired some days. Yes, I have trouble sleeping and often am up into the wee hours of the night blogging or editing photos and reading. Yes, I am anxious about simple tasks and overwhelmed and underwhelmed with life, and that yes, on some days I like to entertain the idea of life without me in it. Obviously this day wasn't one of the bad days otherwise I wouldn't have even made it to the appointment in the first place. If you see me, then I am ok. Its a good day. I tried to explain that, that on most days I function, I'm happy, I can hack being a mom but on those dark days I feel overwhelmed that life has been a little more than tough and that even though the good days out number the bad ones, I was here because the bad days scare me and I feel like they are creeping up more often and THAT is the problem. Could it be Depo-provera? Is that why I am snippy and mean? or if we're being completely honest, a complete bitch? I mentioned too that I didn't have helper, her response, "why wouldn't you have a helper?!" and truthfully I said "because I am a control freak". She laughed. I did $6000hkd worth of blood tests and found it humourous that even before I get my results on Thursday, that I could take home a low dose of pills to "make me feel better".

I thought about you moms and I declined the pills.

So many of you wrote and spoke to me and I cannot tell you how sincerely grateful I am. Instead of "hope you feel better" and "things will get better", instead you shared parts of your life with me, dark and ugly parts, that you feel the same, that life everyday is a struggle at times, that being a mother is overwhelming and frustrating, that you too feel vulnerable and insecure, that pressure to be competent beyond what is possible for the moment is tiring and that things are not so cheery with your hubbys either. You miss your old selves, work, and friends, and I cried tears of relief and sadness, how is it that so many moms out there are feeling this way?

I am struggling to figure out what is reality here, is having a few bad days a week and some marital strife part and parcel of being a parent? Life with kids is hard. plain and simple. This is just how it is. Or should life be a constant state of satisfaction with moments of hardship, frustration, and sadness few and far between? I really don't know. Between my upbringing in a dysfunctional household and Hubby's always happy and functioning family, we are somewhere in the vast between. I know that my expectation of what life, marriage and kids was supposed to be is very very different from what it is - in both good and not so good ways. Maybe I'm depressed because I keep thinking it's supposed to be this one way and I'm let down. A friend of mine said "You need to change the way you think, to change the way you feel." She also told me that she doesn't feel she has what it takes to change who she is. It's just too hard.

Another mom said that we (as in the depressed moms) feel this way because we used to be women with "important" careers. We were make-it-happen-people and the reality of being a mom is that some days, you just can't make anything happen...but no one tells you that, that doesn't make you a failure!! Its frustrating and a tough pill to swallow if you're used to getting things accomplished, checking off the task list, making things work and look good kind of a person. I definitely miss the power. I miss the feelings of satisfaction and self-fulfillment, the "you did it!" of the working world. I mean with kids, taking credit for who they are is not only viewed as selfish and uncouth, good moms just don't do that sort of thing. But I mean I was the one to teach him to say "I'm 2 years old" so would it be that terrible for me to expect praise and a pat on the back whenever he says it? Or for each time he puts his toys back into the cubby without prompting, or can count to 13, or for successfully making it through another day for that matter?...ahem I've digressed. But my point is, being faced with constant judgment and little praise would make even the most normal of people (with or without kids) a little gloomy.

Here in Hong Kong, having a helper is the norm. If you don't have one, you're crazy, completely nuts and people "don't know how you do it!" but there is little support or understanding for moms without help. When you're having a bad day and someone says, 'why don't you hire help?" it discounts your feelings. It's as if getting helper would be a fix all and it's not. Yes, it may make some difficult moments easier, I think on a daily basis I am faced with the reality that having another set of hands would make life easier, but those extra set of hands come with their own set of challenges and complications. I feel like there is more support for moms with helper problems than there is for moms with no help...please correct me if I'm wrong about this. Regardless of whether you have help, bad days are bad days. The crying, the whining, the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" and "MM needs" this and that, the tantrums, the time outs, the mess...it just all sucks and we should be able to say it without feeling like we're not good enough.

So I've decided to just be honest and live with my feelings. I am writing about my depression because I have felt so completely alone and no one should feel like that. There are moments when I am frustrated and short tempered and I yell at my MM. I sometimes swear in his presence (not at him, but I swear), I will let him watch TV, sometimes for hours. I have some really bad days when I am tired of being a mom and want to do something else, where I decline to sing and play and am just me and listen to the music that I want to listen to and insist on finishing whatever I am doing before attending to my MMs' whines. I hate that it takes me 2 hours to get out of the house and the snails pace at which I need to navigate with MMs and yes, I miss the old me. I used to be this person who wore really great shoes, made business deals, and spent time with friends. I've given all that up because I want to spend time with my kids but I've been getting it all wrong. Spending time with your kids doesn't mean losing yourself, rule number 1 in all relationships. I just love them so much. It's so hard not to get caught up in the feelings of guilt, love, obsession, frustration. When asked what I do, I used to say "I design and manufacture shoes" now I struggle with who I am and what I do, and who I am when I'm not doing what I do. Maybe depro-provera is making me hormonally wacky but I think I just need to find a way to be still be me while also being mommy and wife. I understand that I may never wear a pair of Louboutins everyday by choice again in my life, but my whole life doesn't have to revolve around my kids, and that doesn't make me a bad mom.

"...my whole life doesn't have to revolve around my kids, and that doesn't make me a bad mom. " Repeat, repeat, and repeat.

Thank you so much for sharing your lives with me. You have no idea how much of a difference you've made. Hubby is out of town for the week and we are heading off to Toronto next week so I am behind on replying to my emails. Sorry if it takes me a while to get back to you. xx

Life is a struggle

i try hard. really hard.

for as far as i can remember, i've always been a try-hard...even if that's not what i want. its like a compulsion. my total self worth is completely dependent on how hard i try. I have some great days. i feel invincible. I can do anything. And then there are those days speckled in between where i struggle to get out of bed in the morning. the day is excruciatingly long and unbearable. making simple decisions like what to cook for dinner or getting dressed can cause me severe anxiety. I sweat. I forget to eat. I don't sleep. Those are the days when I recluse, turn on the TV, and pray for Hubby to get home and take over. i am depressed. I can spend hours imagining what it would be like if i got hit by a truck and what life would be like for my kids if I wasn't around. If hubby so much as answers a question in a way i deem unacceptable i will start planning out my life without him, our divorce, where the kids and I will live. I don't really know when this depression started. Maybe its been here all along. I struggled during pregnancy and with terrible morning sickness. I hated being pregnant and was introverted and unhappy. then I had MM at 33 weeks who ate every 2 hours for months while I exclusively pumped all the while hating every moment of it. I struggled with being a new mom, with lack of sleep, and with thoughts of drowning my son. We then got pregnant again and I struggled with yet another 4 months of morning sickness and with pregnancy with a toddler. MMM was born at 30 weeks and that was a struggle that i thought I would never recover from. When we finally brought him home, he just cried and cried and I wanted to drop him on the floor. Then there was the guilt of how hard we worked to get him home and how ungrateful i was to feel this way. i shirked my responsibilities of taking care of him and hubby took over all the night feeds and basically everything that had to do with MMM until he was 5mths old and sleeping a good 8hrs every night. We've made it through the rough parts and MMM is now 10mths old and doing so well, we travel a lot as a family and things are great but i am still struggling and i don't know why. The only thing that keeps me together are my boys who love me so unconditionally it hurts. I need to get over this hump. I need to figure out what is wrong with me. I started taking depo-provera 6 months ago for my endometriosis. the more i read up on it, the more i am understanding why some people have called it depo-provera-hell. Mixed with postpartum depression or baby blues, it can lead down an ugly path of dark days and i am sad to say i have been there. I am there. maybe not today but on those days you won't see me running about confidently with my kids. I feel weak. like i should be doing better. i really should try harder to not be depressed. I just want to feel like myself again.

Australian Animals - Flashcard Set

On our recent trip to Sydney we rented a car and drove out to check out Featherdale Wildlife Park. It was awesome! We got to pet and feed Kangaroos and Wallabies, and watch Penguins, Bats and Tasmanian Devils eat! We even had a chance to see Kangaroos with their Joey inside their pouch! The MMs and I have created a set of Australian Animal Flashcards to remember all the fantastic animals we got to see. Check it out and download it here!

Each card prints as a 4"x6" photo



For personal non-commercial use only. Please do not use for any other purpose without obtaining permission from MilkMonster Laughs first. Thanks!

Mompreneur Ly-na Toye

Click here if the video doesn't load.

I met Ly-na when I was 17 and we quickly became friends. We hardly knew each other but I knew she was a keeper when I told her how much I loved her shoes and she lent them to me for a whole 6 months!! Who does that??? At 17 I thought she was amazing but I had no idea. Even though we lived in different provinces, I in Toronto and she in Montreal, we managed to stay in touch throughout high school and university. She pursued her love of fashion and eventually became a fashion designer, working for David Bitton and other multinational brands. While I studied aimlessly without a clue about what I really wanted to do with my life, Ly-na was doing exactly what she wanted. As a young girl, I wanted so much to be like her. So when she called me one day 5 years ago with a fabulous business idea, I immediately said yes and we started our fashion accessories adventure. And what an adventure it was! I won't go into details here but working with Ly-na, I found what a strong and remarkable woman she is. Her savvy business sense, perseverance, and ability to make things happen, I learned so much those 2 years we worked together. During that time, Ly-na got pregnant and had her first daughter, I became pregnant with MM and we decided to take a break. I closed down my business in Hong Kong and Ly-na was going to be a stay-at-home-mom.

That didn't last very long! As soon as her daughter was born, she was back to taking orders, manufacturing and shipping goods. I had to hand it to her, this woman has so much passion for what she does, she makes everything seem so easy even though I know that its not always that way. When she told me she was launching Angel Lily Toddler Hair Bows and Clips a month BEFORE her second daughter was due. In my head, I thought she was crazy, I mean who does that??? I'm sure I even told her she was nuts, but that is Ly-na and she never ceases to amaze and inspire me. With 2 children and a newly launched business, Ly-na has her meetings while her 3 year old is at school and works from her home office while her 1 year old is napping. She takes them along across Canada to tradeshows and still manages to cook and clean. I always wonder how she manages to do so much, while taking care of her 2 beautiful girls without any help, she definitely is the superwoman in my life.

9 Words that women use, and what they really mean

Thanks Ali for sharing this!

(1) "Fine": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) "Five Minutes": If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) "Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) "Go Ahead": This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) "Thanks": A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome". That will bring on a "whatever").

(8) "Whatever": Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) "Don't worry about it, I got it": Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Is Hong Kong really that safe?

Update - looks like the Ikea story is an urban legend after all. After talking to a few people who insisted the story sounded fishy and Gweipo's comment below that she had heard this story before, I did a little more digging around and found the same story written about an attempted kidnap in large supermarket chain Tesco, in Bangor,UK where a little girl was found in the washrooms with her head shaved. Apparently this urban myth was so widespread the company had to issue a statement to the press in an article titled 'Supermarket chain quashes Bangor child abduction rumour'. Sorry, didn't mean to scare you parents!! Like Irene said, Hong Kong maybe one of the safest cities in the world after all.

------------- Original Post -------------

I received the following email today (thanks Carla),

Ikea - Attempted Kidnapping

Just wanted to let you know that a friend of one of Nathan's* playgroup friends was involved in an attempted kidnapping at IKEA Causeway Bay a few weeks ago. Apparently, the boy was 3yrs old and ran ahead of his mother in IKEA. When she couldn't find him, she alerted security who then shut all the exits. They eventually found the boy in the IKEA bathrooms with his head shaved and clothes changed! They didn't find the people who did this to him. Scary times.

*boy's name changed for privacy

Living as an Expat an Hong Kong can sometimes feel akin to living in a bubble. Although a world class city, it's so small that there definitely is a small-town vibe when frequenting your area grocery store, cafe, and shops. It's hard not to feel like you have your own little city at your disposal, especially if you've been living here for over 6 years like I have. Before I had kids, I never questioned my own safety. I wouldn't give a seconds thought about walking home drunk through an alley in Central at 3am - something I would never ever do back home in Toronto where at university, the practice is for friends to drive each other to their cars so no one would have to walk through the campus alone at 10pm. I am ashamed to admit that even after having my MMs my relaxed attitude and feelings of safety have continued. My children being kidnapped, the sickening possibility that someone would snatch them has never once crossed my mind. I often let my 2 year old son run ahead of me in the malls and parks, or lag behind, and run around while I tend to MMM. As I sit here writing this I can picture MM happily running along, a huge grin on his beautiful face, I stop for a moment to look for something in my bag. I turn around because something doens't feel right and he's not there. The thought makes me want to vomit.

At first glance I thought the email was a hoax, it has to be, I mean Hong Kong is just so safe, just one of those forwards meant to freak you out but after a little research, I am realizing that this one may actually hold true. Blogger Lisa Tong apparently heard the same story from someone who knows the mother of the attempted kidnappee and goes on to talk about child trafficking in Hong Kong, apparently an infant boy is worth something like $56,700hkd and a girl at half that price in China (This price has gone up since 2004 and 2005). Babies from Hong Kong are thought to be healthier.

I feel stupid and naive. Whilst all this has been going on, I have been freakishly free and irresponsible with my own child. That stops today.

Valentines Day - Free Stuff!

Hubby is out for a work dinner tonight so I had some time. I haven't really felt like writing too much lately so I thought I'd spend the evening designing up some Valentines Day photo cards! Haha not like I don't already have a ton of stuff to do but this is just way more fun! If you like one of the designs, email me the photo you'd like (by Feb 11th) to use for your card and I'll email you back a .jpg file that you can send off in an email. Or if you're the more traditional type, have it printed up at your nearby photo development center and stick it in the mail. You could always add a hand written note on the back, just make sure you use a felt tipped marker and not a ballpoint pen so the writing doesn't show through the front of the photo.

xx MilkMonster Momma

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All graphics and photos are property of MilkMonster Laughs Photography. Please don't use any of the images without getting permission from me first. I reserve the right to cancel this offer at any time. Thanks!

What does your mommy do?

Haha my sister emailed me this today and I thought it was pretty funny so I'm sharing with you all...



Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

MM Tip - Number your cupcakes

We didn't bake the cupcakes from scratch, rather we decided to go with the tried, tested and truly delicious Betty Crocker Super Moist Yellow cake mix. Frosting however, must be from scratch because it's just too easy and tastes way to good to miss out!

What you'll need:

• Cupcake recipe (or cake mix in a box)
• Fondant Icing Sugar
• Unsalted Butter
• Almond Extract
• Vanilla Extract
• Food Colouring
• Sugar sprinkles
• Sparkle Gel (Wilton)
• Spatula

Tips:

• Melt 1/3 cup butter and mix together with 3 1/2 cups of icing sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract and 1 teaspoon almond extract. The mixture should be thick and creamy. Add more sugar until desired consistency is achieved. (Makes enough to lightly frost 24 cupcakes or 12 fully frosted. )

• Add and mix in food colouring until desired colour is achieved

• Use the spatula to evenly spread the icing onto cooled cupcakes (otherwise the icing will melt off) and gently sprinkle sugar sprinkles onto each cupcake. Using the sparkle gel, write the numbers onto the cupcakes. Be sure to practice on extra cupcake first so you get the size and writing down.

More decorating ideas here.

MM Tip - Make your own gift tags

For MM's birthday we decided to make custom labels for each loot bag. The idea was to have a fun activity with MM so he could contribute to his birthday and make something special for his birthday guests but in the end it was Hubby and I making the tags after he went to sleep. Next year, I will make these way in advance and not the day before his birthday party!!

What you'll need:

• Clothing Tags (enough for each child attending the birthday party)
• Glue Stick
• Colourful Paper
• Ribbon or String (if the hang tag doesn't come with it's own)
• Exacto Knife
• Ruler
• Markers
• Ink Pad
• Little fingers

Tips:

• Collect hang tags from clothing throughout the year and save in a plastic bag. As I type this, I realize how strange it sounds that I actually do this, but nevertheless, I do. The sturdy cardboard ones work best.

• Measure and cut the colourful paper so it wraps around the hang tag, completely covering whatever logo and print was on there before. Layer as desired, matching or mismatching the colours for a fun handmade effect.

• The last layer should be white so you can draw your design and customize your gift tag.

• We bought and used "The Most Amazing Thumb Doodles Book" for our inspiration, but creative parents and older children can come up with their own designs!

My ramblings, resolutions, life

Hubby is away as usual. Actually I find it's only when he's away that I have any time to read or write. Since I'm home alone, I find my mind is twirling away, craving some decent conversation that I'm deprived of after a few days of just me and the boys. Of course hubby is too busy to talk and by the time he has a moment, it's way past an hour where I could hold a coherent conversation let alone make out a decent sentence. I remember the days when I could talk, literally for hours, sometimes 3-way, or 4-way, I had that many friends and that much to say. These days, it's a few minutes here and there, between demanding children and at playgroup. I don't talk to my friends like I used to. Probably because neither of my best friends have kids and who has the time now anyway? I suspect the real reason is because we don't have that much in common anymore. I can't help the fact that my life revolves around my kids and they can't help that theirs revolves around men. (Sel if you're reading this, I was really happy we talked yesterday, I miss those days when we would just talk about everything & nothing, hangout, and shop...) it's just how it is now. At some point in my life I will quit obsessing over the MMs and get back to who I am. My friends, my life, my career...I wonder when it happens and why, will I suddenly wake up one morning and realise I'm no longer center of the universe to the little-soon-to-be-grown-people or will I look in the mirror and miss me?

I dropped into Dymocks today after grabbing a burger from Gourmet Burger Union. I love the Southern Swine but hate the fact that you have to specify "well-done" or they will serve it to you medium - who eats ground beef bloody anyway??? Apparently people do. Steak I can understand but this is ground up bits of cow! I've digressed. I usually head straight toward the parenting section but today I decided to browse around. As I walked down the aisle I came across a book called "We Need to Talk About Kevin" and paused at the familiarity of the title. It's about a 15 year old boy who kills nine people, seven of which are his fellow high school students. His mother, who visits him in prison tells her story through letters she writes to her estranged husband...Oh that's right, as I skimmed through the book I realised the familiarity is because AW told me about this book a few months ago. She is one of those people that always has something interesting to tell you and just seems to know so much about everything. I remember when I was pregnant and she would bring her wonderful little boy over to hang out. She made me feel like I could be a mother. Ok, so I had to buy the book. Back when she told me about it, I was too busy being a new mom and reading parenting books, sharpening my expertise on how to be a mother. I had no time for fiction. Now that MM is 2, this book must appeal to me since I now realise everything I say and do, matters. Haha what better way not to %@#* up than to read about a mother who raised a killer? It's proving to be an interesting read.

I warn you, this will be a long post. I've got lots on my mind and since I have the time tonight, I'm going to take the opportunity to ramble on about some things...

We're taking MM out of school. I know, he's 2 so who cares??? right? well unfortunately I DO. I swore I would never be an education obsessed mom and I'm turning into one. I suppose I haven't gone completely nuts since next week will be his last week, but I am feeling the guilt-worry-did-I-make-a-mistake-about-our-decision? combo. It all started during the holidays, those damn kids grew! both of them!! and the grandparents were here and hubby was on holiday so I had so much help. The thing about physical strength and kids is that you need to be insanely strong to manage a squirming 27lbs toddler and even stronger if you have more than one kid. If you do it everyday, you don't notice the weight but take a break and you're dead. Basically, I am dead. After a month and a half of help i woke up one morning after a day alone with the MMs, feeling like I had been hit by a truck and the sad realization that carrying both boys will no longer be an option in the very very near future. the thought breaks my heart. Up until this point I have been struggling but managing and now everything has to change...Hubby has to travel more this year than he did last year, which would mean even more time alone and in the past where I have taken both boys to school, carrying one while I do the class with the other, it's just not going to work that way anymore. We talked and discussed, do we hire help? move? put MM in school alone? and came to the conclusion that yes, all those things will happen sometime this year but for the time being, taking a break from scheduled activities and staying together as a family would be our best option. We've decided to tag along on Hubby's business travel, this way he's around for breakfast and most dinners, I won't have to cook any meals, or carry the boys to school. When we're in HK, I'll arrange informal play dates. Hotels are insanely stroller friendly haha well of course in comparison to our 1st floor walk-up! MM will have a chance to run around, swim and develop his gross motor skills. He still falls down a lot and isn't sure footed. I'm suspecting it's because our 700sqft flat isn't offering enough room for physical activity, the kind of activity that a little boy needs, running, jumping, and rolling around. Looks like our original plan to live modestly isn't working out as well as we envisioned. Haha, we thought we'll live a simple life so our boys will grow up hardworking and won't take the good things in life for granted. Never did we imagine it would also mean less than healthy amounts of physical activity. I mean of course we take him to the park, he walks around when we go out, and runs around in the malls but I don't think the availability of space to play on a daily basis can be discounted. If it only takes you 20 steps to get to the playroom in one home and double that in another, on a daily basis, one child is definitely getting more movement. Children living in houses in Canada learn to manage a flight of stairs quicker than those who hardly ever get a chance to take on that challenge, for them, it's about mastering the environment and ours just isn't challenging enough anymore.

Which leads me to...the more challenging the environment for the boys, the more challenging life will be for me. I often get asked why I don't have a helper and I have a few explanations that I use often, we don't have enough space, we've decided together not to employ one, etc., etc., but the real reasons are because I like things simple, I'm a perfectionist, I like to be alone. If I do everything, then everything gets done my way. I hate managing other people and I need my space. I also am completely obsessed about my kids and suffer from trust issues. You'll be interested to know that MM has only ever been left alone in someone else's (other than his dada) care while he is awake, a handful of times. A few times with his grandparents, and with our dog walker (whom we've known for 4 years) when I was having MMM. The whole time I was in the hospital with MMM, that time spent separate from MM killed me and I could have cried every moment we were not together. MM, had his first ever away from mommy experience just last week (he's 8mths old) while the grandparents were here for 2hrs. I'm sure he relished in the freedom. I don;t know, maybe it's because I almost lost each of them, maybe it's because I am a freak, but that is the ugly truth. I can't leave my kids unless I know they are sleeping or I am forced to. (Sigh) I am hoping when MM goes to school alone, that I will be able to overcome this. I definitely suffer from separation anxiety. As such, I've been resisting a move to a larger flat simply because I don't think I can manage both boys and a big place without help. Did I also mention that I'm resistant to change? Yup, I am definitely a nut job.

Onto MMM, who has been seeing a wonderful chiropractor for the last four months, 3 times a week, with incredible improvements. I mean if you knew MMM and held him 4 months ago, you would be able to see and feel the difference in him. I am so grateful for his progress. Neuro won't tell me if he's normal or not, all they can say is "there's progress" and we only need to start to worry if his progress plateaus. Physio says he's improving but shows struggle and tightening when trying to do developmentally appropriate activities. He's definitely not 8mths old developmentally, I wouldn't be honest if I told you he acts like a 6mth old either...more like 5mths but he's very social and smiles in response to a smile and laughs and gurgles. He loves his brother. Hubby is sure he is all there mentally. I want to have as much faith as he has. We started taking MMM to see a cranial sacral therapist last week. Let's see how that goes.

So, I didn't make any new years resolutions this year. Otherwise this would also be my opportunity to put them in writing. Last year I made a resolution to be grateful and I think life gave me many opportunities to be grateful this year. I haven't spent much time thinking about the year to come, mostly because I am just surviving day to day. I've learned, as a mom with a potentially "abnormal" child, that today is the only day that counts and deserves my full attention. This past year was the first year I didn't look and plan into the future. I turned 30, this past December and my sister flew in from Toronto to surprise me. She was the best gift. After an emotional year all I wanted was to see her and I'm so thankful I had yet another opportunity to be grateful. I miss her, I miss how I am when I'm with her. Life is just so much better when the people you love are around. I made a wish on my birthday "to have more faith that things will work out in life." As I write this, I realize that it also serves as a resolution for the year to come.

Happy 2nd Birthday MM

Dear MM,

You turned 2 this week and keeping busy with birthday arrangements was all I could do to cope. Who knew it was going to hit me this hard! I spent the night before your birthday baking cupcakes. Dada doing the actual baking while I sobbed through the icing and decorating. The more I thought about it, the more I iced on the creamy orange homemade frosting and sprinkled the sparkly little bits of pastel sugar sprinkles. What started out as 'just a little' turned out to be full kick cupcakes, my baby was going to be 2 and since this would be your first ever cupcake that hadn't had the icing taken off (by your-always-have-your-best-interests-in-mind-mother), I decided to go all out. Damn it! My baby is turning 2 and if he wants cupcakes, then he's going to get them!

I had a moment, the realization that as the days pass, and little ones grow, that all those little moments that are collected along the way are all you really have to hold onto and cherish. How awful yet incredibly awesome is that? That life as you will remember it, is just a culmination of memorable or traumatic occurrences and the rest all fades away like it never happened...and so I've decided to write a birthday letter to my boys every year. So I won't forget the little things. Maybe I'll give it to them when they become parents or after I die so we can bond in a way that wouldn't otherwise be possible. Who knows what 50 year old me will be like...and just in case I'm awful, I hope these letters will be a glimpse into who I am now and why I become the person I will be.

Last year I wrote MM a little note, a note of things he had learned to do that year. I told him about his first laugh that happened in his sleep and the second when I burped while burping him. That his laugh was the most wonderful thing I had ever heard. I know all babies learn to clap, twinkle, and wave, but I just had no idea before I had my monsters just how awesome and proud it would make me feel. I can get choked up just thinking about it. His first word was 'Dada' and his second one was 'Ana' - that's what he called me for the first year of his life. I wrote how my first words to him was "[he] looks like a little monkey!" and that his dada told me "he's perfect", that meeting him was the most incredible moment in my life, that "I never knew what my heart looked like until I saw you."

It's been a whole year since I wrote that letter and how much has changed and how fast it has all gone by.

This year MM, you've learned to walk, run and say a million things. From the moment you wake up, until I put you to bed, you just can't get enough of life, 'dis called?!' you say and point to everything that surrounds you. "oh dis! oh dis!", "woah! wow!" never ceasing to amaze with all that is going on inside that head of yours. We always tell you that you're doing a good job but what we really mean is that we think you're brilliant. But we don't tell you that because we don't want what we say to taint your heart.

You've learned to throw a ball and more than a few tantrums, time-out, sing, clap, and dance to the beat. Put on a song with a good beat and you'll bop around with your arms in the air but offer up one that doesn't match your groove and you'll scrunch up your face and tell me with confidence that you "don nik it" and expect us to change it right away. You love the water, "UMbellas", and "mamamals" - particularly "EMNAfants", "BOORS", "KANGAroos", "zeBRAS", "tigers" and "BIraffes", but definitely "NO bows", "dinadoors", or "boofy dog". You are obsessed with your books, "bulldoziers" & "dump rucks", and will say "broom broom motorCYcle" & "BIG bus, tiny bus!" ...or car, or truck, whenever you see one coming. You love to eat "CHEEse" "BAsta", "NOOdows", "nasagna", and "boup".

You became a big brother this year and how I worried and fretted about how it would change your life but instead, you welcomed him into your life with so much love and affection. You kiss and hug him with an intensity that only a big brother could have for his little brother. I am so proud to be your mama.

There are so many little things I am missing in this letter...I could go on and on. It's not all the crazy, awful and wonderful things that you do but who you are in this very moment, that I want to hold onto forever. I love the way you call me "mama" and "mummieee", how you always "tank you dada" before you go to bed, and call out "mama nun no peas" when you wake up. Your love fills up the whole I've had in my heart for most of my life and I am so very grateful for you. The way you live your life with such innocence and passion gives me an appreciation for life that I never had before. I am really looking forward to the year to come, the new things you'll say and do, but mostly because I can't wait to meet the three year old you!

Happy Birthday baby boy. Mama loves you.

Christmas Morning

Me: "Don't open the door to the playroom until Grandma and Yeye get here ok?"
MM: "Ok..."
He stood there staring at the closed door, his eyes wide with curiosity. The playroom door is NEVER closed. I can see him struggling. Should he listen to me or will his curiosity get the better of him? With his bulldozers, one in each hand, he slowly leans toward the door and gently pushes it open. I expect him to run in and attack the mini tree and presents but he doesn't. Instead, he stands there in absolute awe.
MM: "Woah...WOW!"
I am caught off guard by his innocence, the sincerity in his voice melts my heart.
...Merry Christmas baby

Baby Carrots are BLEACHED!

So my mom emailed me today, it's one of those emails you get all the time warning you of some health scare that is usually false. I decided to look this one up and turns out, this one mommies is real. Baby carrots, the ones that are peeled and look like fingers, are made from malformed carrots that can't be sold as a whole carrot so they cut them down and sell them as baby carrots, prepackaged and ready to eat. I knew this already. What I didn't know is after these baby carrots are made, they are dipped in a water and chlorine solution to preserve them and prevent them from developing a chalky white dried out look which happens since the skin has been removed (Similarly, apples turn brown once cut). Chlorine!!! I don't know about you but I for sure don't want to be feeding my kids carrots that have been dipped in chlorine, especially when there are other options. Now I'm wondering, are all prepared fruits and vegetables treated in some way to make them last longer???

Better to buy and eat whole carrots that are sold with the skin on or go organic. (Thanks mom)

Here is some more info:

"Baby carrots are not as nutritious as full whole carrots, because a lot of the goodness in carrots is contained in the skin and just below it. This is removed in the baby carrot making process.

After harvesting, the carrots are washed in chlorinated water, just like our drinking water, and cleaned to remove dirt and mud. Some finished baby carrots are washed, or dipped, by a further chlorine solution to prevent white blushing once in the store. There is no evidence that this is harmful, but it is worth knowing about!. However organic growers use a citrus based non toxic solution called Citrox."

In case you were wondering, REAL baby carrots actually look like carrots and are sold with the skin on.

Happier Holiday Travel: 8 Ways to Minimize Jet Lag in Kids

Marrying medical expert advice with mom expert experience, here are Kate Rope's eight tips for happy, sleep-filled travels with your young child.

Girls Night Out

Ahhhh the days are just flying by!!! It's almost December and I'm still trying to get my head around November. How is it possible for time to move along this fast??? After being away for a week, Hubby came back on Thursday night. Even his trip seems shorter than usual this time. By Friday we were back into a family groove. I remember the days when the week would drag on and Friday seemed to take forever. These days, Fridays don't mean much for me except this past Friday was GIRLS NIGHT OUT and we decided to take a pole dancing class before we headed out for some live music at Soiree. It was fantastically fun mostly because we spent the class laughing at how ridiculous we all felt but we left with a new found respect for strippers and the art that they do with the poll. Don't knock it people, it is seriously hard work! I had a moment where I was so dizzy that I bumped my head onto the pole. Haha sexy!! I woke up Saturday morning with sore arms and a secret wish to become a pole dancer. As a previously competitive ballet dancer, I was in awe of the grace, flexibility and strength the instructor had when she demonstrated some super advanced moves upon request. She was so cool.

I haven't been able to write much. It's been busy busy with photography jobs every weekend, a moon-yut baby party, wedding, and baby shower. With Christmas parties and Hubby's upcoming trip to Toronto, grandparents and a best friend coming to visit from out of town, our upcoming family trip to Phuket, and birthday parties, the MilkMonster Family has a packed calendar and I seriously hope no one gets sick!! This is my favourite time of year. The only thing that's missing is some fluffy white snow.

It's taken me 4 days to write this post!!! At this rate, you're not going to be hearing from me until January!!

Keepaboo - it's what I've been up to while Hubby is away

So Hubby left on Sunday for Sydney and I'm on single parent duty again.

Physically, I am exhausted. Together, the MMs weigh over 1/3 of my weight and they're getting BIG - a good thing, but I don't think I'm going to be able to do this much longer...I lugged both kids to the Peak yesterday for our Monday informal Cantonese speaking playgroup, (the 10min hike uphill from the Peak Tram to Mount Austin Playground was just awful! Of course I declined a friend's offer to drive down and get me...why am I so damn stubborn sometimes???) after which we headed over to another friend's house for dinner (Thanks Jen!!!). Life would seriously suck if I didn't have these awesome friends in my life. I have been really lucky, the people I have met here in Hong Kong, on Geobaby and through this blog are the kindest, most generous and gracious people I have ever met. Mommies, you know who you are!!

Today, the 3 of us made our way to MM's school where another mom of 2 offered to feed MM and I lunch on Thursday. Actually she offered to pack me some meals but I had to decline her kind offer to help. We did however, accept the invitation for lunch and a playdate (Thanks Mel!!) Haha the boys and I must look terrible. We have MMM's physio tomorrow and school again on Thursday. A packed week. Usually Hubby works from home 2 mornings a week so him and I can alternate taking MM to his Montessori class. It's not so much the daily activities that are hard, since I would be doing them alone regardless, but it's the lack of a break at the end of the day. I am up at 630am with the dogs (I've been training Becky, our dog walker/babysitter how to manage the dogs - they usually jump all over her , bark, whine, and don't listen to her so it's been 3 months, and I've been up every morning training Becky and the dogs. I swear I would get rid of them if we and MM didn't love them so much. Tell me again why I have the tendency to own difficult breeds? Oh right, it's because I'm always looking for a challenge, and yes, this too has come around to bite me in the butt) MMM is up between 7 - 8am and there is no stopping until MMM goes to bed at 1030pm. It's the rushing around, preparing, cleaning, cooking, playing and just trying to make everything work that's stressful. This morning I was rummaging around at 7am looking for a shoe box for the Box of Hope Charity and while I hurriedly wrapped it as per the very specific instructions, MMM had woken up and after a few minutes of gurgling, had gone into full out wailing. I hate that crying always makes me break into a sweat. Hubby calls it "being chased by a tiger" feeling. Haha actually my sister coined that term after working with me. *sigh* Hopefully my kids won't turn out to be too much like me...

Every time Hubby is away I'm reminded of how grateful I should be of him. He is such a good father and I know I don't appreciate or acknowledge that nearly as often as I should. The breaks we get from each other are actually really good for our marriage. It lets us step away from the day-to-day and see just how much we both care and love our little family and I really miss him when he's gone.

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If you're like me and have a ton of digital photos and want to keep a diary of your child's milestones but haven't yet, check out Keepaboo. It's an online diary of photos, milestones, first words, and all things you want to remember and you can share with friends and family. I write this blog as a diary of my life and growth as a parent but Keepaboo is all about the MMs and I LOVE that. They grow up so fast...I wish I could press 'pause'.

Box of Hope - Children Helping Children Nov 17 - 21, 2008

Back in Hong Kong

We arrived back late last night. I hate afternoon flights. Not that it makes any difference but it makes me feel like the day runs smoother and I have more energy at the beginning of the day. I like to be off MM duty by 7pm every night so in cases like last night where our plane didn't land until 8pm and our gate checked stroller didn't show up at the gate (!!!) I am at risk for being in overtime-mommy-mode and not very husband-friendly. While Hubby and I were freaking out at the flight crew, the other passengers watched and chuckled. "What do you mean we can pick it up with our other baggage???" I was carrying both kids and Hubby had all the carry-on luggage. We were like some freak show. I even got a thumbs up sign from complete strangers. We ended up having to walk all the way through customs and to baggage claim without the stroller. Hubby grumbling how we would never again fly Hong Kong Express the entire way. I on the other hand thought my arms would fall off if I did anything else but focus on getting to the stroller (which was not at baggage claim but at the over sized luggage collection area which we only figured out 30 minutes after we had already stood around waiting like we were instructed to.) so I just kept my mouth shut and tried to walk fast. If I didn't know any better I'd likely believe that the MilkMonster Family was never meant for travel but I know we were just having another bad day. Or rather a bad day with 2 kids under 2 (the only thing I can think of that's worse than that is 3 kids under 3 - if this is you, then I humbly bow down to you). The toddler in the aisle next to us slept 3 hours of the 5hr flight and didn't cry once!!! I suppose I am grateful that we weren't subjected to her symphony of screams and cries - not that MM screamed or cried this time around...well OK maybe he did ONCE, but he required entertainment, talking and singing to the entire 5hrs. We had yet another pooped diaper - thankfully it all managed to stay IN the diaper this time. I know it's my fault because on Friday I left MM for 5 seconds (ok maybe it was more like 5 minutes) while he was sitting on the toilet and he somehow managed to fall into the poop filled toilet. I think I've managed to traumatize him for life now as he cries "No more poo poo" every time I attempt to take him...Hmm, what was I going to tell you again? Oh right, so back to the flight, that mother took a nap, watched a movie and ate her meal in peace while Hubby and I looked over longingly at her sleeping daughter. She was 23mths, just a month older than MM. I had to ask because Hubby was sure she was 'older'. Haha unfortunately some kids travel well and others don't. It's the luck of the draw and you get what you get. Wouldn't it be nice if you could order your kid with options? Like I'd like MM with the Travel option please. Thank you. Oh come on! I know there are parents out there who would jump on the Meal option. You know, the one where they eat everything healthy and never fuss at meal times? With the way things are going, I will need to add the Meal option to my Travel option because everything these days is "NO!" "No pasta. No chicken. No oatmeal. No. No. No." If this is a precursor to having a 2 year old, I am dead and MM will be too from not eating anything. (MM if you are reading this as a bright little 7 year old who has somehow found a way to hack mommy's computer and made your way to this blog, mommy loves you just the way you are. You are very special. NOW GET OFF THE COMPUTER!!) I know by the time MM is 7 there will probably be laptops in kindergarten. According to David Warlick (whom I had the pleasure of listening to a talk he gave at CIS a few months back), by the time our children go to school, education as we know it will be and should be completely different. In 10 years most kids will know the answers to almost anything with a click of a button to Google on their phones. Forget net nanny, how do I protect MY privacy from my own kids?? I remember getting a pager at 13 years old and thinking how connected I was then. I had no clue what the future would be like. If I had access to the technology then that is around now, I could have accomplished so much more! I could skip the classes that I did, but now have it recorded by a friend so i could watch it later while I pooped, email my finished assignments directly to my teacher instead of handing it in 'late' the next day! I am excited for my past self but worried that my boys will one day grow up to think like me. I have obviously rambled on and on and totally off topic. What was I going to tell you about again? Oh right! Bali! Bali was amazing. More to come later as I have now wasted all my computer time rambling.

Toddler climbs into vending machine

So my sister (thanks Kimi!) sent me this clip and asked me what I would do if MM did this. I obviously wouldn't be amused but I'll have to admit, it was a little amusing watching this little girl fulfill her stuffed animal needs.

We're in Bali!

Since moral has been so low at home these past few weeks we decided a REAL family vacation was in order. One where Hubby isn't attached to his BlackBerry and on conference calls EVERY night, one where we actually get to hang out ALL DAY as a family, TALK, have ALL our meals together and have fun TOGETHER! Ha! well that was the idea anyway.

Saturday MM started acting weird. Clingy and emotional. When we checked he had developed a fever, not a super high one but high enough to make him completely miserable. I ended up having to cancel my afternoon photography job (Sorry Amanda!). My morning job had already been canceled because that little girl also developed a fever. Kids and fevers, I swear, one moment they're fine and the next I can't even get up to pee or blow my nose without a hysterical fit. That evening MM's fever went up to 104, we woke him up at 1am to to give him another dose of medicine and gave the poor guy a lukewarm bath to bring his temperature down. I know 104 isn't a dangerously high fever and I'm sure other kids have had fevers that high but I was stressed. He was babbling deliriously and so sick looking, teary-eyed and just wanting to be held. It broke my heart to see him feeling so awful and on top of that we didn't even know what was causing the temperature! Apparently he had a viral fever. Hubby and I discussed whether or not we should do the responsible thing and cancel the trip but that would mean missing our chance to travel to Bali altogether since Hubby will be away for work in November, and we already have a trip to Phuket booked with the grandparents in December. We decided to see how MM progressed before making our decision. Sunday morning I left Hubby with 2 crying babies since I had booked 3 jobs in the studio starting at 9am and I had rescheduled Saturday's canceled job for Sunday afternoon. When I called to check in at 1030am, MM was still crying and I just wanted to cancel all my commitments and head home. It's tough to be a working mom and I hardly work!!

Monday I canceled MMM's physio and chiro appointment, playgroup in the afternoon and just cuddled and fed MM in hopes to recuperate him. Hubby was working late so the day was awful. At one point I called Hubby at work and just screamed and screamed about how inconsiderate he was to schedule meetings and interviews the night before our trip. I know, I know, didn't I do the same thing by scheduling 4 jobs on Sunday knowing full well I would be pressed for time to pack? What??? I was stressed and annoyed and tired!!! I packed Monday night until 1am but realized I had left all the boys' clothes in MM's bedroom which would mean a rushed morning pack the next day. Since MMM had missed his chiro appointment the day before, Hubby decided to take him first thing Tuesday, before we headed out the airport. The plan was to have everything packed and everyone ready to go before he left, he would pick up MMM's formula and medication for MM on the way home and we'd leave as soon as he walked in the door. At 11am I was still scrambling to get all the things in order and Hubby wasn't home. Our flight was at 1pm.

The trip down to the airport express was unpleasant and stressful. MM had refused to eat anything for breakfast and hubby and I were flustered and panicked. Since Cathay was fully booked, we had bought flights on Hong Kong Airline - cheap, but the service is terrible and the clientele is, well, lets just say at one point of the flight the man sitting in front of us was leaning over the back of his seat and staring at us for a good 15mins. He was passing out apples from a plastic bag to his family. I'm not kidding, he had like 15 of them. He then ate one himself, the juice dripping off his chin and hands while he watched us as if we were some show. Hubby and I just laughed. I guess it all worked out since MM was horrible the entire flight. He screamed and cried, wouldn't eat, poured milk all over me and crapped his pants - he NEVER does that. He's been pooping in the toilet since he was 6mths old and for the last 6mths we haven't had a single accident. Of course except for today and I didn't have an extra pair of pants for him. Not only was there poop in the diaper but it had leaked out the side and down his pants, ALL OVER MY HANDS!!!! I had to fight with the flight attendant to use the business class bathroom. The trollies were blocking the aisle towards the bathrooms in the back and Business class was EMPTY, not a single person there and she still wanted me to wait for them to clear the food first??? The flight to Bali is 4 hours. It felt like 20.

OK so we've made it here and it's soooo beautiful!! Since we are part of the Royal Ambassador Club, we're staying in the Uluwatu Suite, a 1300sqft room with Terrace. The weather is amazing and since it's low season, there is hardly anyone here! MM is over his fever and is now coughing, clingy, and cries a lot but there are MOMENTS when everything is perfect. We have breakfast delivered to the room every morning and spend the first half of the day on the beach. Hubby is spending so much time playing with the boys which is really nice for them. Of course there are also times when Hubby and I are yelling at each other and annoyed with each other and the kids - no more details about that since I've been gagged about how much of our marital issues I can disclose on this blog *wink* but I definitely think we made the right decision to come.

We are here until the 10th so stay tuned for more about our Bali trip!

Fears on Animal Feed Widen China’s Food Inquiry

Thanks for sharing this article Jacqueline!

Fears on Animal Feed Widen China’s Food Inquiry

"SHANGHAI — Chinese regulators said Friday that they were widening their investigation into contaminated food amid growing signs that the toxic industrial chemical melamine has leached into the nation’s animal feed supplies, posing health risks to consumers throughout the world."

Read full article here.

Combi Zeus Convertible Car Seat

I'm amused at how excited I get whenever I come across a product that promises to make life with kids that much easier. 2 kids and 4 strollers in, I am definitely a shopaholic when it comes to baby/toddler purchases. My brother-in-law is expecting his first child early next year and when I saw the Combi Zeus Convertible Car Seat, I knew he had to have it. So JAL, this post is for you. The Combi Zeus Convertible Car Seat, once installed is both a rear-facing (5lbs-22lbs) AND forward facing car seat (20lbs-40lbs) that rotates 180 degrees without having to uninstall the base!! It also rotates 90 degrees to face the car door so you can easily get your child in and out of the car seat!! I remember how incredibly awkward it was to get a fully bundled MM in and out of the Maxi Cosi Cabrio Fix Rear Facing Car Seat when we were back in Toronto last winter. This definitely would have made life much, much easier. Although I loved being able to attach the Maxi Cosi onto the Bugaboo without disturbing a sleeping baby, we were only able to use it for the first year so I'm thinking the Zeus is a better investment. If we drove a car in Hong Kong, this would definitely be on my 'to buy' list. Check out the video below for an actual demonstration. It looks pretty easy to use!

In the dark hole

I had a dream last night. We were back in the NICU and I was watching the nurse remove the mucus from MMM's nose and throat. The thin tube, not thicker than a toothpick sliding in one nostril and down into his throat. Repetitively. His eyes were all red, tears streaming down his face, his cry a pleading one as if to say 'Mommy, why is this happening to me? Please make it stop!" The procedure is painful (if you've ever had to have a tube put up your nose you already know what it's like, but if you haven't, just think, even water up the nose hurts.) and something MMM went through multiple times a day, everyday for the first 30 days of his life. If I close my eyes now, I can see him, his eyes, the look on his face, how helpless and angry I felt. I can't let the thought linger in my mind because it will consume me. Somehow, the memory of it is far worse. Maybe it's because after 5 months, I've finally bonded with my son. The thing with having to watch your child suffer is that there is only one way to cope, by putting up a wall. It's the only way to survive. You learn all the medical terms and jargon, and you set up and follow a strict routine. This allows you to always know what you are supposed to be doing and how as a mom of a sick baby, you are able to talk about what's happening, your baby almost dying, his suffering, without breaking down and becoming an emotional mess at any moment of the day. You learn to store it all up and let it all out when you're alone, in the shower, late at night when everyone is asleep.

I received an email from Queen Mary Hospital's Premature Baby Parent Support Group last night. They meet every month to provide support to parents with babies in the NICU. We sit in a circle and share our stories, each parent remembering all too clearly what it's like to have a sick child, in hopes that the experience would in some way comfort those who are suffering the same ordeal. The mood is light and everyone laughs, everyone except the new parents, who often laugh through tears. All of the parents tell of success stories, how their baby was born at 27 weeks and is now a healthy and energetic 4 year old child. Our story isn't quite as reassuring, as MMM still goes for physiotherapy every week. He has been going since birth because he was born with a stiff body at 30 weeks and no one can tell us why he was born like that, or if he will get better, if he will walk, or if he will be able to lead a functional life. I'm wondering if going is even helpful to those parents, or are we like a dark cloud in the room?

Even though his MRI results came back normal, there is no promise that a mental condition is not what is causing his physical condition. And although he has improved every week, that doesn't mean he will continue. I am obviously wearing a black hat today. I'm usually a much happier person, it's just one of those days. Last month, on a friend's recommendation, we started taking MMM to a chiropractor. The theory is that since he had growth restrictions in utero - due to my uteral deformity, that his spine was also restricted, causing slight misalignment and therefore tightness in the body and joints that are not visable by an x-ray - which too has come back 'normal'. He has responded really well to the treatment and even though he may be far from being 'normal', he is much softer and flexible. All good things.

These first months of MMM's life have been cast with a dark shadow, one where we wait and watch his progress every week, every month, to see if he's meeting his corrected age milestone or if he's falling behind. My heart holds on to the possibility of 'normal' but the equal possibility of abnormal is always there lingering on every little smile and snuggle. Today is one of those days where I look at MMM and I need to know the future. I need to know what's wrong with him and I'm frustrated and tired of not knowing. The uncertainty is like a black hole threatening to suck the light out of my life.

I do my best to keep busy. Whatever I can do to keep me from thinking. It's not that I'm hard working, or productive or like some have labeled "super mom". I'm just trying to fill up every moment of every day with some project, activity, or chore so I don't have the time to think about the possibility of having a disabled son.

• How it all started
• Day 9
• Day 12: Eyes Wide Open
• Day 14: Breathe
• Day 17: A Good Day
• Day 19: Reunited
• Day 20: Germs
• Day 25: A Day With MM
• Day 27: Just Don't Think About It
• Day 28: 0.7ml
• Day 31
• Day 33: 2.42kg
• Day 36: Bye-bye NICU
• Day 40: And we wait
• Day 43: Dropping the Ball
• Day 44: Back in NICU
• Day 46: Normal
• Day 52: Home

Singapore with 2 MilkMonsters (20mths and 4mths old) - Part 2

Day 4
Auntie Kimi and I were supposed to fly home with the 2 boys today but we decided to change our flight. We will fly home together with Hubby on Thursday and that's a good thing because everyone is sick! My throat is so sore and both boys are sniffling and MM is coughing. We decide to take a walk to the nearby Raffles City but both MMs are cranky and clingy and I end up carrying both of them!! Can you see the sweat glistening on my face??

Usually when we go to Singapore, we make a visit to see the fantastic kids at the Canadian International School. MM has been a special guest there twice. We talk to the grade 10 and 11 students about our premature baby experience and what it's like to become a mom. We didn't get a chance to visit this time but Stephie, whom I have known since birth (our mothers grew up in Hong Kong and moved to Toronto together) and teaches at CIS, came over for dinner. We bought take out from Food Junction, Hainanese Chicken Rice, Spicy Tofu, and Chinese Pork. Yum!

Day 5
What to do with sick kids. Not sick enough to sleep so both are just insanely cranky and clingy!! From the moment he wakes up MM is crying and throwing tantrums. Auntie Kimi and I roll our eyes at each other - these kids are ruining our holiday!! (I kid, I kid...well not really...) We decide to go to Vivo City again but this time for some adult shopping. I suggest that we collapse the stroller in the room before we leave so I can make sure I know how to open it. 30 minutes later I am still on the hotel floor, struggling to push in those damn grey tabs! I hate this stroller!! Letting nothing stop us from an afternoon of shopping, we decide to abandon the P&T and head over without a stroller (what were we thinking?!!) We get to the mall and realize the impossible situation we are in. How are we going to shop with MM on the loose? We immediately head up to Toys R Us to buy a stroller. I find an $80SGD umbrella stroller, there is a $40 one but it looks like a bag on wheels. The Toys R us guy was kind enough to set up the stroller for us and while he did, we all sat down, ate a snack and watched.

Auntie Kimi to me: "Having kids is HARD!!" Haha, can you see how we've killed her mood?

I try my best to be spirit girl but I'm running low. Did I ever mention how much i miss shopping without kids??? We spend the rest of the afternoon walking around the mall. Auntie Kimi trying on clothes for the both of us while I carry MMM and roll MM around pointing out the colours and people. "What colour is this?" "Do you see the elephant on this T-shirt?" Three hours later it's "is that a man?" and "check out this hanger!" I don't think I even make any sense and MM isn't impressed. I try a bag of cookies which works wonders. I'm tired.

Day 6
It's raining today!! Our original plan was to hang out by the pool but since it doesn't seem like it's going to stop raining we ventured out in the rain to the MINT Museum of Toys instead.

It was a 10 minute walk from the hotel but at $15SGD a person (!!), I would really only go if you're into that sort of thing. MM enjoyed seeing all the toys and we end up buying a wind-up bus replica. Mostly because Auntie Kimi kept saying how cool it was because really, do we need yet another toy? She is also the reason why we bought this before our flight, which actually has turned out to be a really good buy. Auntie Kimi is hard on my wallet! But shopping with her is just so insanely fun. We're done the museum in 40 minutes and after some more girls shopping, we head back to the hotel to hang out.

What do 2 sisters, and 2 brothers do on a rainy afternoon in a ginormous hotel room? Well, jump around and roll around the floor of course!

Day 7
We are heading home today. I packed up most of everything the night before so we would only have to get ourselves and the kids ready. I wanted to make sure we got to the airport early so I would have enough time to get our tax back. Which turned out to be $90.00SGD! We had such a great time!! Our first ever family trip with Auntie Kimi and I will remember it forever.

I'm losing my hair!!

You would think that since this is my second time around that the whole post pregnancy hair loss thing would be somewhat less traumatic...well it's not. I literally have clumps of hair falling out, in the shower, in the bed, on the floors. I am losing so much hair that I can't even complain about the dogs shedding because now when I clean the floors there is just as much of my long black hair as there is golden and black fur. I wanted to post a picture so you would get the full picture but no matter how I take it, it just looks gross so you'll have to take my word for it. The first time this happened, I was about 5 months postpartum (like I am now) and I lost so much hair that my entire hair line receded!! I would stare in the mirror at the fuzz that was growing in it's place (yes fortunately it does grow back.) and wonder, have I not gone through enough already?? Why is this happening?? I felt like a freak but was assured by my experienced mommy friends that indeed this too was an unfortunate and NORMAL part of post-pregnancy. WTF??!! I immediately cut bangs to hide it but I hated those bangs and I'm not really sure I want to do that again. I mean I am STILL growing them out! I love my babies and obviously I wouldn't trade them for my hair blah blah blah but this just really sucks.

Articles of Interest - The secret to a happy marriage, bad cereals, and talc users beware!

The secret to a happy marriage: Four hugs a day
A poll of 4,000 couples found that spending at least 22 periods of "quality time" together every month, such as going for a walk or sharing a romantic meal, were also key to maintaining a healthy relationship.

Some cereals more than half sugar: report
A serving of 11 popular cereals, including Kellogg's Honey Smacks, carries as much sugar as a glazed doughnut, the consumer group found.

Cancer alert over talc: Women using powder every day 'are at risk'
Women who use talcum powder every day to keep fresh are 40 per cent more likely to develop ovarian cancer, according to alarming research.

3 Most Common Bedtime Mistakes

Singapore with 2 MilkMonsters (20mths and 4mths old) - Part 1

My sister has left and life is back to normal. I'm so sad. It's not that life without Auntie Kimi isn't fun, it's just that being around her brings out the fun side in me. We have this great bond and when we're together, it's like we're little kids again. SO when she sent me a message on MSN last month telling me she was coming for a visit, I was thrilled. It would be just like old times! Except instead of it being the 3 of us (hubby, Auntie Kimi and me) we would now be a happy bunch of 5! We decided on Singapore since hubby had to go for work anyway. I love Singapore, the weather is tropical and island-y feeling, it's baby-friendly, and I like the food and shopping. Here are the highlights of our trip:

Day 1
Miraculously, getting out of the house was as smooth as ever, we were on schedule with time to spare. We sat in the taxi on the way to the Airport Express in good spirits about how well the day had started. Once we arrived at the station, things quickly turned stressful. We unloaded the luggage and stroller to realize I forgot my SLR camera and neither hubby or I knew how to open the collapsed Phil & Teds (!!!) How hard could it be right? After fidgeting with it while we checked in, we headed over to Starbucks (Here is MM siting on the collapsed stroller. I can't keep this kid away from anything with wheels! Heck, I can't even keep him off of things without wheels!) so hubby could get online (thank goodness for wifi!!) and even after downloading the instruction manual from their website, we were still struggling!!

I later chased down a P&T mommy in Singapore to ask her how she could use the stroller as it was near impossible to open, but apparently, lucky us are the only ones with this problem so I will have to figure out how to exchange ours for a new one. Both hubby and I were pulling our hair out in frustration and poor Auntie Kimi got pushed into the deep end of traveling with kids. After an hour, we were finally able to get it open and rushed to the airport. By this point we had used up all of our happy-time and MM was starting to get cranky. We arrived at the airport and by the time we made it through customs and security, we had 10minutes to get to our gate! Rush!! rush!! The 3.5hr flight to Singapore went really well especially since Auntie Kimi was there to help out. I even got a quick nap!!

When we arrived at our Hotel we were thrilled to find out we had been upgraded to the Ambassador Suite! (Sorry this was the best and only shot. I still can't get over forgetting the SLR!)

A 1300sqft room with separate bedroom, sitting and dining area, work area, and 2 bathrooms!! The Intercontinental has this fantastic loyalty program with amazing benefits, including room upgrades and many complimentary services. Although the rooms are in need of a little updating, the service and space really made our holiday. We were able to put MM's crib in the bedroom so he wouldn't be disturbed from our chatting and laughter and MMM's crib in the living room. We remembered to bring our own baby-bed-sheets so both MMs were very cozy.The hotel was huge in comparison to our 750sqft apartment in Hong Kong! MM even had his own high chair at the dining table!

Day 2

We are going to the zoo today!! Yay!! We were all up by 6:30am so we could have breakfast and be in the lobby by 8:30am to join the tour. 6 years ago, hubby and I had Breakfast with the Orangutan at the Singapore Zoo and we were really excited to see how MM would enjoy the experience. Back then, you were allowed to hold the baby orangutan on your lap and feed him fruits (I'll see if I can find my old photo and post it up another day) but they've changed the rules since then. Now, you can watch them from your table, a few feet away.

Near the end of our tour, which was very poorly organized (and not recommended at all. Half the people on the tour got lost! We kept bumping into people who would ask us if we were part of their tour. At one point there were 7 of us just sitting around not knowing where we were supposed to go next.) we decided to skip the bus back to the hotel and walked around to visit the rest of the animals instead. We saw Neebras [Zebras], Nemphants [Elephants], Nunkies [Monkeys], Neemers [Lemurs] and Po Bers [Polar Bears]. What a great day!

Day 3
We headed over to Orchard Road after breakfast to do a little shopping. MM gladly sat in the bottom seat so MMM didn't have to be covered up.

He even fell asleep! This in itself is a miracle as MM has refused to sleep in a stroller since he turned 1 years old! The P&T had redeemed itself from the incident the other day. We walked around for a bit and had a fantastic lunch at The Coffee Connoisseur while the boys slept.

I think Hubby and I were tired from the travel because we spent a lot of time arguing. At one point, Auntie Kimi was left with both kids while Hubby and I yelled at each other in the middle of a busy intersection. Not our finest moment. We spent the rest of the afternoon at Vivo City where on the 3rd floor, behind all the baby stores, is a fantastic outdoor playground!! Perfect! MMM and I get some baby shopping done while MM and his Dada play. Auntie Kimi runs off to get away from us for a little break. We have dinner at Modestos and head back to the hotel for an early night.

To be continued.